I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
