remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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