I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
