I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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