Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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