I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
