This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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