My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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