Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
