When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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