Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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