Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
