Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
