I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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