Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
