Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
