My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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