Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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