That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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