splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
