My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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