I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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