you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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