We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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