forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
