Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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