just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Randomize
