I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
