You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize