Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
