I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
