3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
