nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
