i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
