The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize