I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
