you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
