ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
