I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You've changed since you got that strap on
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
