someone threw a dead crab at me
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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