my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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