Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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