I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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