mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
