Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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