I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
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