Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
