Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
