do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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