Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
