he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
