I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I AM VODKA MAN
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
