Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize