On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
