I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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