I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
