You're so nebulous sometimes
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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