I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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